lilac
by art.is.now
Summary: "and you may not be mine, but yet in my life you are forever entangled, to my history, inextricably bound."


**Lilac**

"_And you may not be mine, but yet in my life you are forever entangled to my history, inextricably bound."_

It's been three months since the funeral.

In some way's she still feels like she's grieving, but in others, it's like a flower has bloomed inside her. Bart had been good to her, leaving the majority of his shares and the rest to be donated to charity, (she was rather shocked on that one) and she could never blame him for that. But now she still had three children to raise and watch after and suddenly she was very tired.

Serena and Charles were expected to graduate in five months and off to their prestigious schools of choice, the former Brown and the latter Harvard. It had taken some convincing but after donating the "Bart Business Center for Young Adults" he was in. She thinks she wants it more than he does.

He still doesn't join them for dinners and occasionally she'll get a call from a clerk in Morocco or St. Thomas saying he has joined them for the week and suddenly it's back to square one of putting her head on the table and the long martinis at night. Everyone has been trying to pick up after her after Bart's death and more and more she just feels lost in it all. What about her children? Does anyone know there the ones really suffering? She worries, about the closed door and the son who's hidden himself away from the rest of the world, and she knows Serena and Eric can feel it too. It's just a matter of time she tells herself, just a matter of time.

Drinking on a school night used to be a Serena thing but now there's a different child hurting and even though he hasn't been hers for long it doesn't seem to matter when Blair is dragging him in late one night and Lilly's in her pink bathrobe, face scrubbed raw of makeup. "He was like this when we met up." The brunette explains softly. Lilly nods and gives the girl she's known since diapers a smile. "He's going through a lot." She adds whispering. Blair leaves and Lilly's sitting in a chair watching her eldest son sleep away his troubles. Her hands start to wring again and she wonders where things ever went wrong.

It's quiet the next morning and she realizes she had fallen asleep in the chair when the maid comes through with a vacuum. "Excuse me Mrs. Bass." She proclaims. Lilly nods and asks where the children are. "Mr. Chuck took them out for breakfast, they left short hour ago." A breath of relief is an understatement and she's about to get up when a cream letterhead catches her eye. "_Thank you" _is all it spells and she almost feels tears. Her daughter needed her and she was there; now she had to do the same for her son.

It's been a long day at work and running Bass Industries is a lot harder than she thought. Jack helps day to day from Australia but all and all it's up to her. This is what Bart must have wanted, and she at least owed him that.

She's surprised to see all three of her children in the kitchen when she arrives after dark. Serena is running around with pots and pans and Eric is laughing. Chuck just stands there, blackberry in hand, watching them. She hears his comments here and there but it's nice, all of them here, very nice.

They hear the front door slam and Eric proceeds to tell how his sister wanted to make dinner but pizza was already on the way, he hoped she way okay with pepperoni. Lilly smiles and notices Charles making his way over. "Hello Lilly." He nods. It's the first time they've talked in months and she wraps her arms around him and smiles. "Welcome home Charles."

All the children she has carried inside her heart (not just her stomach) are here.

She can't let this moment slip away.

Her husband died- she repeats to herself everyday and wonders if she's free to live again. She never thought about dating, between the company and her children nothing had ever felt right. But when Jose da Silva enters her life she decides that this one might be the one to take a chance on. He's from Brazil, she tells Serena. He's wrapped up in companies down there and takes up a second home in New York for the summer. He's ten her senior and has never had children. _Plus _she adds, has two less divorces then me. Eric rolls his eyes and she fights back a smile. Happiness hasn't crept up on her in awhile.

It's over a month into their relationship when Charles catches them in the penthouse. It's nothing dirty, just two adults having cocktails on the couch. But she can tell when he walks in that it's surprising and almost painful to see another man in his home beside Bart. She mutters an apology to Jose and feels her heart clench when the door slams behind him.

He's gone the next morning.

She's worried sick and when Serena comes home early from school she hugs her mom in distress. "He'll be fine Mom, he took a long weekend with Blair up to the coast." She nods when she hears the news and relaxes a little with the mention of Blair, she'd know how to keep him straight. "I just want to be happy Serena." Lilly whispers. Her daughter takes her hand and for once it feels nice to be taken care of.

Blair phones her later that night. "He'd kill me if he knew who I was talking to." She mutters. Lilly holds back a laugh, one she hasn't had in days. "He loves you darling." She proclaims. Blair almost snorts but knows what her future mother-in-law says is true. "He's just worried you'll forget him." She adds quietly. Lilly sighs and wonders when parenting will ever give her the right answers. "Come home Blair."

Jose is the first man she's loved in awhile, possibly even in forever. He's kind, patient and quiet. He's everything she thought she never wanted. But she knows that her son needs her more right now, and she has to walk away. He understands and she tries to hide her pain with her best smile. He flies back to Brazil and she wonders if he'll ever wait for her. The kiss still lingers on her palm and she knows that this time is the last. She can't have any more people walking out of her life.

Graduation is filled with champagne, tears and cameras-everywhere. Blair hires a personal photographer to follow them all day and by noon everyone is already complaining. Lilly claps wildly for both her children and when they come across stage Serena blows her a kiss and Charles gives her that reassuring smile. They all were going to be okay. Later that night the caterers are cleaning up and the house is quieting down. Serena with Dan, Chuck with Blair, and Eric off to a friends. She's got the whole house to herself and all she can do is look at the newly put frame above their fireplace. It's of earlier, Serena's gown is half coming off, Eric's smiling with his arms around his siblings, and Chuck is just Chuck. He doesn't look like he should belong with anyone else.

The apartment is quieter without her eldest two around and days are spent running the company and eating dinner with Eric. She has always enjoyed a busy life but she can't help but feel a little tired. She has to ask Irena to up her makeup each morning and more and more she feels old.

Breaks come and go and soon Charles is twenty-three and ready to take over the company she has been slaving over for the past six years. Harvard has done Blair and him wonders and Lilly can't help but eye the brunette's finger every time she see's her. Serena is bouncing around the city as an interior designer and she has never been more proud of her daughter. Eric is busy as a freshman at Columbia and once more she finds herself suddenly alone in her apartment.

The night he takes over is one Lilly will never forget. Blair has thrown some huge gala party and on her way to the ladies room she finds him alone in a hallway. "Charles shouldn't you be inside, their announcing you soon." She claims as he lifts his head towards her. "Ever since I was little I dreamed about taking over this company, now it's finally here and I don't think I'm ready." He mutters. She smiles and kisses his forehead. They had all grown so much since Bart's death six years ago. Her and his relationship being one of the most important. "I'm your mother Charles, it's my job to see that you succeed."

He gives her a Bass smirk and brushes by her to go receive his honor. She closes her eyes and sighs at the words he leaves her with. "I can't ever repay you for this."

Her heart swells and heads back inside. Her son was waiting.

She thinks she's crying when he gives his speech later on, dedicating it all to her.

Serena and Dan elope a year later and soon Blair finds herself with a diamond on her finger. Lilly just shakes her head when she finds out. She had known all along. There each in different places in their lives and Lilly finds herself craving that same change in her life. More months go by and it's twice that she hears the word "Grandma" catch her by surprise.

Her granddaughter is born first and Lilly laughs when she hears that Serena was mad. "Blair's always first." Her daughter whines as she rubs her eight-month-old belly. She arrives at the hospital and gets a bear hug from her son who is just beaming every second she's there. "Her name's Lilac." Chuck proclaims and Lilly swears her heart drops. "Charles." She rubs his cheek and finds herself holding back tears. "She deserves to be named after her grandmother." He smiles.

She isn't the same person she was almost eight years ago and this time _she _chases after him. She shows up in Brazil weeks after seeing her granddaughter for the first time and suddenly wonders if this is worth it or not. Her children are finally grown and have their own families to worry about now and they don't need her in the same way as before. So she tips the Brazilian cab driver and for the first time in a long time picks herself.

Jose is older, eight years older in fact and the Brazilian sun has worked it's magic on him. Lilly stands there after he opens the door and suddenly can't speak. "Well you are going to let me in after this dreadful plane ride aren't you." She smiles and he smiles and soon she's melting into those tan arms of his and tries to catch her breath. She exhales, _really _exhales for the first time in a long time without feeling like she was drowning. She was here.

Ps. I liked the idea of having Lilly's full name being Lilac, that's why I changed it, etc.

Reviews would be love!


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